The Importance of Enjoying Yourself with Dr. Rachel Allyn
Dr. Russell Strickland 22:15
That you mentioned a couple of things early on there in terms of stress and trauma? How would someone know if they have stress sort of locked in their body? As you put it out? What would they see? How would they know that that’s going on?
Dr. Rachel Allyn 22:29
Well, it can be anything from noticing that maybe you have really constricted breathing, to also wear, you know, different bodily injuries. Or when whenever we might react to something in the moment that and react, we react disproportionate to what just happened. Usually, that means that we have a nervous system, our nervous system has a reactivity that is really about something similar that happened in the past some other trauma that’s lodged in within us. So somebody might, you know, maybe they see they’re out on a run and a dog starts coming towards them. And they freak out even though the dog hasn’t approached them yet. Because it harkens back to a trauma of a dog that did hurt them when they were a lot younger as a kid. And so, you know, our body always wanting to protect us that nervous system reactivity that that responded out of proportion to this dog coming towards us is a sign Oh, okay. There’s something more going on here that my nervous system is trying to tell me and it’s replaying it and replaying it because it’s stuck because it doesn’t feel the safety. It hasn’t had the discharge of that stress in the body, or ways that we have taught ourselves that we are we can be safe from the dog, let’s strategies of fight, or flight, or other forms of protection that we can do in our body. Or even when I teach yoga, yoga workshops, and people will be in a hip opener and start crying and they don’t know why they suddenly had this tearful release. Well, it’s because that opening of you know the the kind of the fascia in there. So as at their hip, where we do saw a lot of emotion was was released. And that was about something that probably occurred longer ago, and they’re in a relationship. So it’s just that we’re not as tuned into the language of our body and all the different things that does that tries to tell us what we need, we tend to override our body’s needs think, look at how often we’re drinking caffeine, rather than actually sleep, which is what our body really wants, we just take in more caffeine and then we pay the price later in falling asleep behind the wheel or having other you know, issues that were our body breaks down.
Dr. Russell Strickland 24:36
So those are some of the things that you might notice are ways that the body can express this storage. You mentioned a couple of things I think that helped with release, but how are there specific techniques that you would say that someone could do on their own, to help to release some of that stress and to feel better through those techniques?
Dr. Rachel Allyn 24:59
Yeah. Well, I mean, it really starts with paying attention to your body. So like we were talking about how we can overthink. And we can also sometimes just associate, even, like, remove ourselves from, you know, kind of where we are in the moment. So I think first noticing, like, how is my breath? Where are their aches and pains in my body? What’s my temperature? Like? Do I? am I sweating? Or how am I digesting? What is my gut brain telling me? You know, what, what is sort of my heart brain? What are there certain patterns as far as things I avoid? Or things that I lean into? You know, how do you how does it feel when I’m, you know, when I’m in a state where I’m laughing, or a state where I’m avoiding, you know, really getting just wise to like, what, because everybody’s different. So being curious about what’s kind of happening as far as your senses your breath, your muscles, digestion, you know, and sweating and, and tears, are you repressing things So, and then once you’ve gotten more aware of that, then it’s the now what what do I need? Do I need containment Do I need to kind of feel safe and secure first, in which case, maybe it means having a weighted blanket going to a child’s pose, even kind of rubbing our arms along the sides of our arms or hands along the sides of our arms, sort of feeling containment first. And sometimes it’s about oh, I need I need release. And talking is a form of release. It’s the main one in psychotherapy that we do right as verbal release. However, a lot of times it can be so still tuned into storylines, but the now what it can be anything from a foam roller, it can be singing, it can be you know, certainly walking and repetitive motion sports. So you have different things that can be considered exercise, but also things that are not considered exercise, whether it be massage, and acupuncture, chiropractic, energy work, but it’s really about I always say it’s its expression, not repression, we aren’t meant to hold and all this stuff, we’re meant to be continuously moving cycle of things we absorb and things we release. And, and also audible release, just sometimes sighing. I mean, there’s those guttural sounds that were also meant to make that are really about then helping us feel recalibrated. And once we, once we have this system of listening and knowing what to do, it builds confidence, it builds a sense of agency, and empowerment, so that no matter where we go, what we’re doing, when discomfort or challenges come our way, we have a method within us. It doesn’t cost money, we don’t need a prescription. But it’s it’s different for everybody, like their toolbox of somatic body based methods is going to be different for you. For me, just because of our our background and our pre existing level of Mind Body connection.
Dr. Russell Strickland 27:43
Makes it sense to me. So if someone wanted to start learning or adding to their toolbox, what would you suggest to them? beyond just, you know, being aware, but actually to act to start actively taking a role in becoming not just aware, but more by default? Yeah, I guess.
Dr. Rachel Allyn 28:05
I like pleasure and body full body fullness, my two favorite ones I like to kind of bring into our everyday vernacular. Well, like I said, I mean, I think it starts with like, are you just are you in a trance? Or you’re sleepwalking? Or are you actually noticing what’s happening right here, I mean, like, bring your feet on the ground kind of connect to your son or like, I noticed, you know, I always also like to explain like, what are your emotions, emotions are in your body. Our feelings are what we do with that our feelings are more of our mental constructs of our emotions. And so, so you know, you walk into a room and you notice that your heart rate is going up, your stomach sort of tightens and your shoulders go up. Ah, okay, so that might mean any number of things. Does it mean that I feel threat do i do i feel like, you know, I’m scared or I feel uncomfortable, or whatever that might mean. And then from there, recognizing your the agency that you can have first honoring or how you feel and owning and honoring that but then knowing Do I need to leave? Do I need to get some water? Do I need to go take some breaths do i do i need to give myself a little kindness or compassion or give myself permission to leave in 10 minutes or to take out let out a sigh or, you know, go to the bathroom, splashed some water in my face, but they’re all in there actually quite simple little things. But again, we’ve we’ve overlooked them because we sort of see the body as as more of like kind of the primitive thing that we ignore, with the mind being the total seat of reason and wisdom.
Dr. Russell Strickland 29:35
So that’s a good checklist for people to try some of those things and just see how they react to it and whether that’s the right thing for them at the right time.
Dr. Rachel Allyn 29:42
Yeah, it’s a lot of just being curious trying different things. I don’t have a formula for exactly what you should do versus the other person as I get to know my clients. I can give some suggestions but like in my book, I have a kind of a long list of different things for people to try. But you know, It really just starts with practicing. Like, we like being in your body. And you know what? A lot of people don’t even know their body that well, or, you know, trust it, because maybe, you know, they feel like oh, well, you know, I, I had this panicky moment in my body failed me, you know, it’s like, well, it probably got to that point, because you’d already overridden your body’s messages for quite a while.
Dr. Russell Strickland 30:21
Yeah. So let’s get back to so we’re talking about releasing some of these stresses. Let’s go back to the the title of the book is all about pleasure. What are your thoughts about that? I know that you mentioned a little bit before about all the different types of pleasure. Um, what are people doing to kind of miss out on that? And how should they fix that situation?
Dr. Rachel Allyn 30:46
Right, right. Well, and I think it’s just in my nature, that I sort of root for the underdog. And when we think about happiness, joy, pleasure pleasures, sort of the marginalized one of the three because of, you know, with kind of our history and religion and puritanical views around it as bad and lavish. But as I really explain that, you know, where does happiness and joy come from? Well, it comes from, initially, these moments within our own sensory system of pleasure, that then lead us to, to the longer lasting moments of joy and happiness. And so nobody would argue that that we shouldn’t have joy, we shouldn’t have happiness. But yet pleasure is really much more debated. And then given that I’m a relationship therapist, and I do a lot of work with people struggling also with sexual trauma or sexual health, there’s a lot of issues just around around you know, intimacy with their partner. And I explained that if you aren’t able to ever kind of enjoy the pleasure of a delicious desserts, or enjoyed the pleasure of, of creative creativity that’s not outcome based and sort of, you know, just enjoy things in the moment. Or, if you aren’t ever able to, to, to be playful, or to ever have moments where you’re kind of in a flow, state of meaning and purpose and pleasure in those ways, it’s going to be a lot harder to really find that then intimacy, if you’re not able to be vulnerable in these other ways in the day to day life, and know yourself and what you do and don’t like, what you do want or need, then it’s going to be really impacting both emotional and physical intimacy. So once we really own our own pleasures, in the day to day, we can have that on, on kind of a larger scale as far as intimacy with others and but I do think it starts with body fullness, like Do we know our mind body connection? Do we know what our limits are, what we want sort of what you know, what our needs are, and how to be in balance. And then from there, you can kind of open up because otherwise, we’re just living a life in which we’re kind of ping pong in avoiding pain, and sort of waiting for the other shoe to drop that idea of foreboding joy of like, we don’t even allow ourselves to feel good because it’s we’re so on edge and anxious that we always need to be on guard. That’s, that’s not really living. That’s not joyful living.
Dr. Russell Strickland 33:09
Yeah. Now, I do think that most people, you know, most parents will say, you know, what do you want for your children? I just want them to grow up, be happy, right? So we need to take that ourselves to bed that we should pursue that. And it’s difficult as adults, we have lots of priorities and responsibilities, but that certainly should be one of them.
Dr. Rachel Allyn 33:31
Yeah, because a lot of my work came out of the fact that I, a lot of my population are people who are perfectionist, overachievers, high achieving people and
Dr. Russell Strickland 33:41
this audience clearly, but
Dr. Rachel Allyn 33:42
yeah, yeah, right. Right. The Type A I joke, I’m a recovering type A,
Dr. Russell Strickland 33:47
but I think what phrase recovering perfectionist, yeah, yeah,
Dr. Rachel Allyn 33:51
right, which is it’s always like kind of a work in progress. I like writing my book, writing my book, I and even just some of the kind of no post publication and kind of getting it out there. It’s really been tapping me back into some of those type a perfectionist ways. But But what I realized, I mean, what the antidote is to sort of that unhealthy perfectionism is, is balance and also getting out of our head a little bit too, and finding ways to be easier on ourselves and let ourselves be human. And so what I noticed is just how much not only perfectionist but just in general, a lot of American society and capitalism. We don’t know how to be in our senses. We don’t know how to be just sort of enjoying like, being sensual, whatever that might mean. I’m just as far as enjoying kind of the senses of life. And we don’t know how to also we have a hard time maybe giving ourselves joy and pleasure, or if we do it’s because we’ve bent over backwards toiled away and then we’ll give ourselves a morsel and and I just think that that’s not balanced living and it is, you know, we know the toll that it takes that we Have this country of people who are taking a lot of pharmaceuticals because they can’t sleep because they’re so stressed and gun violence. And I mean, there’s, there’s so many reasons to have a lot of anger. So that what is the antidote then to kind of all of this striving? And, and and worry, it is like how can we surrender? How can we let go a little bit, and that really allows us to to be more human and to, you know, to be able to be in our meaning and purpose with longevity versus burning out versus kind of all the anger and agitation that comes from overworking.
Dr. Russell Strickland 35:37
Yeah. And and, and I think it’s also very important to, when you’re feeling a lot of stress and anxiety about things that you’re choosing to do really be in tune with why you’re making those choices. I like to talk about books, I like to talk to folks a lot about intentionality, you really need to know what is it that you’re trying to accomplish? What you know, is that something that really motivates you, is that something you’re really connected to, because if not, you can have goals and strive for them, but they’re not going to make you happy or fulfilled at all. And I think that’s where a lot of that stress comes from, because I certainly do things that are stressful, but I don’t feel that stress in the way that you’re talking about pharmaceuticals and asleep and things like that. Because it’s things that I enjoy, you know, there’s stress that keeps you alive, and invigorated and that sort of thing. So it’s important that you listen to yourself about what’s going on. And if you’re finding that the stress is all bad, and it’s hurting you in some way, yeah, definitely. You need to try to figure out what’s causing that make a change.
Dr. Rachel Allyn 36:42
Yeah, no, right. Intentional living. I mean, it comes from knowing yourself, what do you value? What is integrity to you? What is you know, your authentic self, and even if that means being different, and not going with the herd the herd mentality, but it takes a lot of energy, to not be ourselves and to to do all these other things we should versus more of what is in tended? Or, you know, the best? For us? I think it takes you know, a lot of times, it’s like 30s 40s 50s, it’s in our 20s we don’t know we don’t we’re right, who am I separate from my family. But But yeah, in graduate school, it’s a little bit harder than compared to when you work for yourself in a private practice. in graduate school, you do have other people sort of telling you what you’re supposed to do even, even if it isn’t like, feel that intentional to you.
Dr. Russell Strickland 37:32
That’s where of course you have to learn that there are some things that are temporary, some things that you do for a greater good, so to speak, you know that maybe you’re not enjoying everything about your studies, but you want to get your doctoral degree, because there are people that you want to help. They’re things that you want to do temporary things, I think you can treat a little differently, even though they might be somewhat long term. It’s when this is your life, and and it’s your day to day and there’s no end in sight, you just go into this job every day and you paid it. Figure that out quickly and fix it. Because that’s not getting you to a better place anytime soon. It’s just making it worse for you every day.
Dr. Rachel Allyn 38:10
Yeah, I think it’s scary. It takes it takes courage to to not go, you know, the traditional path of the expectations other people have from you. Yeah, I think I know that it’s taken me time to just Yeah, really kind of come into my own work. And even though some people judge me or maybe don’t understand it, I there’s something I can do about that. I can’t concern myself with that. Because you have to come into what is your message? What is your unique message that the world needs to hear? Right, that that you uniquely bring. And if you don’t say it, if you don’t share that message and serve that into the world, then that’s that’s a loss, you know,
Dr. Russell Strickland 38:54
and that I don’t think that that’s going to be true for everyone necessarily. But for our audience, I think that really holds true there are a lot of people who don’t feel like they want to change the world. They don’t want to do that sort of thing. They there they feel more of a contributor more of a, you know, a person that serves a function or helps people in that way. But but certainly there are some people who what you said is exactly right, you have to figure out what your message is how you want to help and all the folks that I run across in my work with doctoral students. They might not say it this way, but their motivation is ultimately they want to change the world. It’s just a small form, but it’s still making it a change for the better.
Dr. Rachel Allyn 39:32
Right and for some people maybe how they want to change the world is to be a parent and raise the best child that they can or you know, it’s it’s it can be all sorts of different things, but we just like we have all these different little parts of the body and our pinky finger contribute some role to all of it, you know, and there’s nothing too small that we’re doing that doesn’t help with the overall and i think i mean that we’re in a renaissance of people really being interested in psychology interested in mental Health and, and holistic health. And so you know that whatever you are researching for your dissertation that adds up to more and more awareness of human beings, why we do what we do and how we can get along better. And, you know, we definitely need that.
Dr. Russell Strickland 40:18
I definitely think that we’re reaching a time where this is becoming much less of a taboo subject, much less of people thinking about this as a weakness. We all have these issues that we have to deal with mind, body, spirit, whatever they are, and to face them head on and to really think about them. Be mindful, be body full, as you said. Make sense? I think we’re seeing more that today.
